Selfishness

I sometimes wonder why we do what we do.  I know certain choices have consequences and yet I dont try to make adjustments.  I guess when you focus on yourself that is what you get.  There is a part of me that thinks I will always be a selfish lonely person.  There is also a part of me, a part of me that realizes that I cant fix my self.  That part of me believes that God has an incredible plan for my life.  I have gotten so lost in my selfish desires that I have lost sight of the God who created me.  The God who knows me and understands me, the God who never gives up on me.  Why do I run away from the God who loves me?  Why do I try to fix my life when I know I can't?  I know that money and possessions wont make me happy but yet I always think i can find something other than God that will solve all my problems.  Im not sure how to stand up and say "I will lose this battle no more"!!!  I guess i am still trying to figure it out on my own.  Help me Jesus.  Help me to see you in the midst of my selfishness!  I am nothing without you!  I need you, Jesus!  You are so unbelievable!  Thank you for your Grace and Mercy, your love and kindness.  You are truly an Awesome God!!!

I am at a loss.  I am not sure how to describe my situation.  I want to be honest about myself but I am afraid that if people know who I am they wont want anything to do with me.  When I am being completely honest,  I don't want anything to do with me.  I know I am a selfish person.  There are days when I wonder why I am the way I am but then I realize that if I focus on myself that is probably what I am going to get. 

I don't want to look back at my life in 10 years and wonder why i was so reckless with my time.  I don't want to be known as the person who just didn't care that much.  Why is it so hard to realize what I have is a gift that very few people will ever own.  I have screwed up so many years of my life because I thought that my life was important.  My life isn't important until I realize that God has a plan!  God has a plan for my life!!  I think that is pretty exciting!  The problem is that when I think I can make a future for myself everything falls apart.  God is the only one who can make my life worth living.  If I do what I want and refuse to listen to that still small voice than I am making a mistake that will effect me for the rest of my life.  I know that God has a plan.  Everyday is a struggle because I wont let go of my plans.  I wont surrender and so I suffer everyday.

God is Faithful.  God is Loving.  God is Gracious. 

I have failed so many times but he has never failed me.  He will never leave me nor forsake me.  I don't deserved to be loved but yet he loves me.  He is the one and only God!!  Thank you Jesus for never giving up on me.  Your love is so amazing!!